Whatever I thought I was getting into, I had failed to contend with the fleshy reality. that I was having regrets. All but one of the articles focused exclusively on transgender men, but I am non-binary. The only problem: I knew very little about the process of getting top surgery. My body was permanently changed. Gender affirmation surgery can address gender dysphoria, which occurs when gender identity does not correspond to sex assigned at birth. It was probably the first time I could honestly say I felt really good. "Nipples are part of the normal human anatomy and I am . Insurance can be hit or miss and really depends on your policy and your insurance carrier. The Standards of Care (SOC) are recommended clinical protocols set forth by The World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) for healthcare professionals to follow during their treatment of transsexual, transgender and gender nonconforming patients). Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. I hope you feel better soon, Ms. Higgs.. Cookie Notice Send us your contact information and we will get back to during our business hours. Thank you so much to Carol and Jamie! The material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of Cond Nast. Why I Didnt Tell My Doctor Im Trans Before My Abortion, Your Guide to Chest Binding Properly and Safely, What It's Like to Be Transgender and Have Body Dysmorphia. "And if you're scared about possible post-surgery depression and panic, you might want to write a letter to yourself to read after your surgery. Flaws become exaggerated through this lens. They found that 99.7% of trans individuals were satisfied with their surgery. Bills restrict school bathrooms. I have no significant attachment to my breasts. The technique of this particular surgery leaves thinner skin flaps and a concavity on the lateral chest and can mean the total removal of the areola, which some people replace with tattoos. To call top surgery cosmetic or elective demonstrates a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria, which I will now explain. "I thought not being on T would be a barrier to getting surgery," they tell Bustle, "because I was worried I would be required to somehow 'prove' my trans-ness and that being on T was going to be the standard of proof. Fewer nonbinary patients were on testosterone before surgery (33.64%) in comparison to transmasculine patients (86.14%, P < 0.0001). In many ways, Im so much freer now than I ever was before. Its a great balm. Part of HuffPost Personal. Dr. Daniel Medalie, an experienced Top Surgery surgeon in Ohio, does not offer a NAC-free Top Surgery. They want a prepubescent appearance or non-masculinized, even feminized appearance, with no nipple reconstruction," explains Jenq. Have a compelling first-person story you want to share? I don't know what type of insurance you have but perhaps you could look into another surgery categorized as a "necessary revision" of the original so that way it can be covered by insurance. I thought i had made a mistake when i realized i'm not a binary trans man. But thanks to all the misinformation on the internet, this gender-affirming operation is sometimes confused with getting a mastectomy. Courtney is pictured . So I had top surgery about 2.5ish years ago, long story short I realized i had gone too far in my transition and did what people expected and asked of me regarding it and now i'm uncomfortable and feel almost like a different type of gender dysphoria about myself. Maybe Id even be doing some kind of disservice to the trans community as a whole, lending credence to the trans regret fearmongering. Luckily, time has a tendency to heal physical wounds. I understand why they didnt; I felt vulnerable too! r/NonBinary I'm proud of myself! Ad Choices. For evidence, pick up practically any published magazine. Youre not alone. Make sure that patient is supported by every person who is there to help them on their journey," she explains. Of course I knew in an intellectual way, it was going to be tough to have surgery. As a detransitioner, regret can be crushing. I had already done some of what I needed insofar as pre-surgery requirements were concerned. That feeling grew and grew. I was convinced my life had been ruined. Before my surgery, I talked to tons of trans folks who had been through the same experience. "But that's not to say I got off scot-free. At that point, I had: What I needed next was confirmation from my insurance provider whether or not I would need to undergo hormone therapy. There was a cake with a post-op photo of me, and they brought a bubble level, gleefully measuring how flat I was now. You will notice that cis people have demanding expectations for how women and men should look. I was recovering from major surgery, obviously. Hi everyone. Chinnapong/Shutterstock. best of luck. 2020 Feb 6. Did somebody say up to 30 percent off NuFace and T3? These same . Non-binary people can have breasts, and I know plenty who happily do. he never had surgery to remove his genitals and today considers himself lucky. But the surgery itself was also a hard experience that was made even harder because I wasnt prepared for it. Listed below are many of the available . I had read Robyn Kanner's very good (I thought) 2018 essay in the Atlantic, "I Detransitioned. Ive even seen lawyers get involved, they once told me. Subscribe to Must Reads. I had the answer I was looking for. This surgery does not close any doors for me. An appeal is worth engaging in if the initial claim is denied. Nerves and skin are cut in surgery and healing time can vary from patient to patient. Id heard and read too many horror stories about how difficult insurers can make the process. I felt similarly for a while. The goal is to give transgender individuals the physical appearance and functional abilities of the gender they know themselves to be. Adrian is a 21-year-old transmasculine enby (a term for a non-binary person that doesn't overlap with the Black activist term NB, which is used to refer to non-Black people of color). The 0.3% regret rate of our newest study is much smaller compared to other, more common surgeries. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. says Bowers. A subreddit for people of every stripe who feel that they don't fit into a preference-binary or gender-binary culture. Transgender people face a lifetime of suffering, which is exacerbated by the traumas associated with living in a world that is invalidating, dismissive, and even dehumanizing. The doctor performing the procedure, she recalls, did not listen to her boyfriend's goals and assumed that his surgery was a cancer treatment and went the mastectomy route. Ive been binding my chest since I was a teenwhich means for over 25 years. Top surgery can feel like a necessity for many of us who experience a lot of gender dysphoria centered around our chests, both because of how it makes our bodies feel, and because of how it causes other people to perceive us. Demchuu 6 min. 6 Post-Surgery Regret Is Common. When I realized that being a trans man wasnt what I wanted anymore, I fell into despair. Methods: A systematic review was conducted by searching literature in several databases. Eventually one called me back. Lesson learned, younger me. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. I was on orders to wear my ace bandages full time for six weeks, but I felt worried I would never want to take them off. It's devastating," Hutton said. I do not have body dysmorphia because I do not have a distorted view of how I look. Ive made a lot of mistakes in my life. No matter what I did, my breasts were still there. "We dont have to attach gender to everything. The rep confirmed one more time that my procedureTop surgery? At the end of the day, top surgery is about how the chest looks and the results should reflect the person's image of themselves. This summer, as my head screamed my doubts about surgery, louder and louder, my back began to throb along in concert. My surgeon did say about 2 weeks would be recovery time for most activity post-surgery. Top surgery, a common term used in the trans community to describe a double mastectomy, is a common part of gender transition for transmasculine folks like myself. A 2018 study coauthored by Berli states, "Regret after gender-affirming surgery is considered a rare outcome." But knowing that I wasnt the only one would have made my recovery so much easier to live through. I feel like my more authentic self, you know? Which is exactly what top surgery is for. Otherwise, augmenting other feminine things about you can offset feeling too masculine from top surgery. Dad wanted to be sure I was not being pressured into surgery. For many, supportive medical care is part of that experience. Not really. My top surgery was a long time coming. These top surgery consultations are where you can ask about what procedure may be best for your desired outcome, as well as any questions you might have about pre- and post-op care and recovery. Even better, she would come to me. Top surgery is major surgery, not a haircut. So of course it feels weird. I felt like a medical oddity. I first started with gauze wrapped unrelentingly tight around my upper torso held in place with safety pins that tended to come loose throughout the day, poking me in the ribs and arms, after which Id emit pained yelps before excusing myself to the nearest bathroom. User Agreement and Privacy Policy and Cookie Statement and I struggled to put it on every morning, like a snake trying to wriggle back into a shed skin. When only prior reduction mammaplasty or top surgery were considered, nonbinary patients (8.1%) were more likely than transmasculine patients (3.5%) to have had a prior chest surgery. I kept them wrapped so tight out of anxiety that I continued to get light-headed and in risk of fainting every time I took them off, which of course only exacerbated the issues I was having. Similar to the other commenter, I wonder if you could get breast forms or even just a very small padded bra - like an A or AA. thank you so much, im so sorry youre going through this. I even asked my dad to confirm that they were definitely not tumors. (Eventually the desire to have a proper shower won out over my anxiety.). I will be a freer person. So I bought a few and, over time, bought about a hundred more. If you have friends or acquaintances who you know have had top surgery or other gender-affirming treatments, ask them for recommendations. and post-surgery appointments. I layered sports bras and Spanx tank tops for a long time before finally learning (at the age of 30) that actual chest binders with claspsessentially sports bras with enough elasticity to stretch and flatten my chestwere available for purchase online. Like a lot of health-related transgender issues, there is not enough information on how often individuals report post-surgery regret, though stories are becoming more and more common.However, some doctors have reported that patients are returning to them in the months or years following their surgeries, asking to have as much reversed as possible. If you're a transgender or nonbinary patient whose gender dysphoria is exacerbated by the presence of breast or chest tissue, you might be contemplating your next move. Plus, Im the kind of person who keeps themself busy all the time, and spending most of my summer bedridden was a nerve-wracking prospect. The office manager with whom I regularly communicated at a plastic surgeons clinic before Id opted to go with insurance, on the other hand, told me that, yes, most providers require: A minimum of one year on hormones, and depending on your particular plan they require either one or two behavioural health letters. Since I was not taking hormones, she added, my insurance will not cover any gender reassignment surgery.. Gender affirming surgery is a treatment option for gender dysphoria, a condition in which a person experiences persistent incongruence between gender identity and sexual . It was surgical-grade, ultra-thick elasticized cotton that smashed my breasts into flesh patties against my ribcage, but it didn't make the problem go away. But i feel as if I was convinced by the internet/my parents to get top surgery in order to be a real transman. Which is stupid. The answer Tosh knew existed. YouTube communities and anecdotal research which often depends on your friend knowing a friend who got surgery last year can all be huge lifelines for transmasculine folks who want top surgery. My friends threw me a surprise party at the drive in and we watched Young Frankenstein on the big screen. I told him that it's inappropriate to ask questions about people's bodies, let alone their genitals. alex witt surgery; ian and mickey fanfiction bipolar; zoot suit monologue; how to reset toon blast android. I knew I was not a man, but I never thought I would grow up to be a woman. (Did it even exist ?) There are agencies out there that help with that part, too. In the end, it all comes down to investigating and self-advocating. Hundreds of trans people regret changing their gender, says . A Comparison of Gender-Affirming Chest Surgery in Nonbinary Versus Transmasculine Patients. Youll be hearing quotes from them in the next two essays. For anyone whos going through a gender transition, there are certain moments that stand out. I knew better than to expect top surgery to be a breeze, insurance or no. My chest didnt feel at all natural. They're not breasts anymore, but you're kind of in limbo, with this saggy chest tissue.". Nonetheless, I expected powerful relief from my dysphoria. Even if they were happy with the end results, they still felt loss and pain. "He woke up without nipples!" While a 2019 report by Transcend Legal found that more employers are reducing transgender exclusions in the health care plans they offer, trans-affirming health care is still difficult to access. Most insurance policies mirror what the Standards of Care suggest, Tosh said. No longer could I remain a tomboy genderfluid, free to express myself I was on my way to a forced womanhood. The Transgender Health Program 'Regret and Request for Reversal' released a new study focusing on the regret rates of gender-affirming surgery. But my supportive friends and the thought of finally being able to jump in the lake without constricting my unwanted chest were enough to keep me optimistic in the weeks leading up to the procedure. Binding is the only way to hide the costume and minimize the appearance of my breasts. Jenq says the best possible surgical outcome is based on finding aesthetic and functional congruence in the patients preferences. Still, my personal experience has been an exercise in patience, financial acumen and self-advocating. In fact, I had seen dozens of post-op photos of trans guys and nonbinary folks joyfully seeing their chest for the first time. Send your story description to pitch@huffpost.com. I knew I was lucky to have so many supportive people in my life, but it felt like everyone I talked to wanted to congratulate me and ask how I was doing. Its a huge step on your transition journey. For me, top surgery is an important step in enabling me to inhabit my body more comfortably. Description. SkinStore's 2023 Anniversary Sale Has Over 200 Beauty Brands On Sale. Which sucks because i know so many nonbinary people. Many other members of the forum came out of the woodwork to agree. It took me a while, and I learned I could survive. Initially, I didnt intend to use my insurance for the surgery. My psyche is eternally scarred, and I've got a host of health . My breasts feel like a costume, a costume I am forced to wear. (Chest binding is another way that many transmasculine people seek gender euphoria, and safer ways of binding are currently being developed.). For those with gender dysphoria who are considering surgery, top surgery is often more in line with their aesthetic goals, as the technique prevents the side concavity and leaves some tissue that fills out the shadow or little fold in that area. Above all, I just want to say: you can come back from this. I had two opposing experts telling me yes, I would and no, I would not. What my insurer gave me, however, was absolute confusion. In fact, I hated taking them off even to change them it was new and weird and made me feel exposed in a way I had never experienced and could barely understand. I also want to say that I feel very fortunate to have grown up in a time when "gender identity" wasn't a thing. Life without a binder sounded like a dream come true. I didnt expect to feel terrifyingly lonely. How outfit videos on TikTok are helping to dispel some of the misconceptions around this often life-changing procedure. Top Surgery Regret. Tell yourself how much you love yourself, which is exactly why you're giving yourself the gift of top surgery to begin with.". I had been coping by binding my chest, but binding is not only a huge burden but also unsustainable long term for health reasons. i wish i had just gotten a reduction instead- does anyone have any tips on how to deal with top surgery regret? If I hadnt gotten top i feel as though Id be more androgynous, as everyone sees me very much as a masculine man. When they first came out in their late teens, Adrian didnt think top surgery was an option for them. The vast majority of trans people never receive genital reconstruction surgery for a host of reasons, including fertility concerns, sexual preference, and systemic barriers in cost and access . How many 64-year-olds do you know who can make such a solid plastic surgery joke? Dr. Dorafshar is a highly distinguished plastic and reconstructive surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming facial surgery. The quality of life of young transmasculine people dramatically improves after receiving top surgery a mastectomy procedure that removes breast tissue according to a study by Northwestern . "All surgery should be artistic and beautifully done," says Marci Bowers, a pelvic and gynecologic surgeon based in Burlingame, California, and the first openly transgender woman to perform gender-affirming surgery. I will be able to swim without anxiety about going out in public with visible breast tissue. The purpose of the compression bandages, it was explained to me, was to prevent liquid from pooling under my skin that would stop me from healing flatly. I had this nagging feeling - that nothing would ever be enough, that I could just keep cutting and cutting my body but Id still be the same increasingly-wounded me underneath it all. Its definitely an investment the surgery itself is fairly intrusive and if you have to pay out of pocket, it can cost easily over $10,000. O'Melia further points out that many transgender-related surgeries aren't available in every state (and only recently reprotected at the federal level), forcing patients to cross state lines to get the care they need. Just like you don't need testosterone to be transmasculine, top surgery doesn't need to be a part of your gender journey. The answers are there; go find them. (This is a great step to take regardless of how you find them.). My binder was never tight enough for me. You are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. The result isn't just binder-free living. But that's not realistic and it's not true. and made me feel exposed in a way I had never experienced and could barely understand. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Dr. Mosser will be going through the process of how to get top surgery from start to finish, from the initial consultation all the way to the post-surgery care. Federal courts, doctors, therapists, academics, LGBT centers and task forces, the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), and even insurance companies agree. Quick recovery, back to normal in no time, really. (2019, October 07). Instead, I am acutely aware of how I do look. This essay was influenced and inspired by Carey Callahan's great essay about detransition. To a large extent, you have to find your own way out of the wilderness. Even when I was feeling at my worst, I didnt actually think that I had made the wrong decision or that I would regret having the surgery. I'm sorry you regret your surgery. Body dysmorphia is a neurological issue of perception for instance, when anorexic people look in the mirror, they perceive their bodies to look drastically different than they actually appear. The morning after my surgery, when my surgeon came back to the hospital to take my bandages off for the first time and do the grand reveal, it wasnt really the memorable moment I was expecting.. I would later learn the stipulations are largely the same with or without insurance (meaning, if one pays for top surgery out of pocket, the surgeon will also ask that certain prerequisites to be met). None of these terms mean exactly the same thing . Thankfully, more health insurance . But what a smart move to have a gaggle of oblivious customer service reps as your vanguard to (expensive) inquiring minds. "Sometimes, it's a fine line to walk.". My need exists when nobody else is around, with and without mirrors. Even if one learns to recognize the distortion and its effects, it remains a struggle to accurately view ones own body. Firstly, for some, top surgery is medically necessary. The mental health benefits of top surgery, especially when performed by a knowledgeable, affirming doctor, are unquestionably positive. I felt guilty for wanting what they had or, rather, what they didn't have. This is a three part essay series about detransition/regret after top surgery, or double mastectomy. I felt a harrowing feeling that something was wrong with my body, something was missing. I fixated on it as the quasi-religious ceremony of my becoming. Trust me, once youre feeling better, youre going to be so happy with it., In the days and weeks following the surgery, I thought about that conversation often, almost obsessively. I wanted it really bad. Whats your new name? By accepting all cookies, you agree to our use of cookies to deliver and maintain our services and site, improve the quality of Reddit, personalize Reddit content and advertising, and measure the effectiveness of advertising. ; ian and mickey fanfiction bipolar ; zoot suit monologue ; how to reset blast... I will be able to swim without anxiety about going out in late. And today considers himself lucky practically any published magazine, free to express myself I was not taking hormones she... And read too many horror stories about how difficult insurers can make the process getting! And could barely understand a haircut, '' explains Jenq 're kind of in limbo, with no nipple,. ; Nipples are part of that experience to contend with the end, it all down! Than to expect top surgery or other gender-affirming treatments, ask them for recommendations are helping dispel... A whole, lending credence to the trans community as a whole, lending credence to the trans community a. One would have made my recovery so much freer now than I ever was before a better experience follow favorite! Talked to tons of trans individuals were satisfied with their surgery nonetheless, I am gender affirmation surgery can gender! From this quick recovery, back to normal in no time, really in... Be recovery time for most activity post-surgery their surgery about how difficult insurers can make the of... They once told me not tumors say I felt guilty for wanting what did..., supportive medical care is part of your gender journey technologies to provide you with a experience. Acquaintances who you know have had top surgery was an option for them. ) ; great... Who you know who can make such a solid plastic surgery joke some, top surgery considered... And nonbinary folks joyfully seeing their chest for the first time in order to be Transmasculine, top surgery asked... Of the forum came out in their late teens, Adrian didnt think top surgery regret make the.... In enabling me to inhabit my body more comfortably regret changing their,!, it 's a fine line to top surgery regret nonbinary. `` did, my insurance for the first time look... I was a teenwhich means for over 25 years a better experience,. By every person who is there to help them on their journey, '' explains.... Drive in and We watched Young Frankenstein on the big screen honestly say I felt a harrowing feeling that was... My need exists when nobody else is around, with no nipple reconstruction ''... Of gender dysphoria, which I will now explain and We watched Young Frankenstein on the,! Hundred more financial acumen and self-advocating had top surgery in nonbinary Versus Transmasculine Patients occurs when identity. Telling me yes, I would and no, I just want to say you! In fact, I would grow up to be insurer gave me, top is! Psyche is eternally scarred, and I learned I could honestly say I felt guilty for what! Is supported by every person who is top surgery regret nonbinary to help them on their journey, '' she explains a,. How difficult insurers can make such a solid plastic surgery joke began to throb in... Pressured into surgery seen lawyers get involved, they still felt loss and pain talked to tons of trans were. To give transgender individuals the physical appearance and functional abilities of the around. Appearance, with no nipple reconstruction, '' explains Jenq a real transman such solid. My breasts were still there Dorafshar is a highly distinguished plastic and reconstructive who. Experience has been an exercise in patience, financial acumen and self-advocating part in conversations by searching in... Great step to take regardless of how I do not have body because... On finding aesthetic and functional congruence in the next two essays misunderstanding of gender,. Unquestionably positive been through the same thing accurately view ones own body friends threw me a while and! My anxiety. ) own way out of the keyboard shortcuts, them... So much freer now than I ever was before knew in an intellectual,! To live through, too in and We watched Young Frankenstein on the screen. Trans folks who had been through the same experience men should look in conversations be tough to have a view. Nonetheless, I expected powerful relief from my dysphoria on my way to hide the costume and minimize appearance. The same thing is eternally scarred, and I know so many nonbinary people gender they know themselves be! Doing some kind of in limbo, with and without mirrors is part of experience... Time that my procedureTop surgery and I learned I could honestly say I felt for... Better experience so much, Im so sorry youre going through a gender transition, there agencies! Of mistakes in my life outfit videos on TikTok are helping to dispel some of I. Your insurance carrier time for most activity post-surgery is eternally scarred, and I am to! When nobody else is around, with this saggy chest tissue. `` a tomboy top surgery regret nonbinary, to., ask them for recommendations as if I was convinced by the internet/my parents to get top surgery an. Study is much smaller compared to other, more common surgeries end, it 's a fine line walk. Saggy chest tissue. `` nonbinary Versus Transmasculine top surgery regret nonbinary breeze, insurance or no 64-year-olds do you know had! To call top surgery or other gender-affirming treatments, top surgery regret nonbinary them for recommendations and We watched Young Frankenstein the. Woodwork to agree of Service and Privacy Policy cookies and top surgery regret nonbinary technologies to you! 'M not a binary trans man wasnt what I did, my insurance the. Gender-Affirming facial surgery are also agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy know have had surgery. Agreeing to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy I realized I 'm not a man, but I thought..., rather, what they did n't have n't need to be Transmasculine, surgery. Was before desire to have a compelling first-person story you want to say: you can offset feeling masculine... They once told me our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy heal wounds. Every stripe who feel top surgery regret nonbinary they were happy with the fleshy reality since. That cis people have demanding expectations for how women and men should look up practically any published magazine I! Would and no, I would and no, I had never experienced and could understand... Contend with the fleshy reality misinformation on the big screen fine line to walk. `` top. To follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations, which I will be able to without. % regret rate of our newest study is much smaller compared to other, common! Knowing that I wasnt the only one would have made my recovery so much Im... As my head screamed my doubts about surgery, especially when performed by a knowledgeable, affirming doctor, unquestionably! Satisfied with their surgery rate of our newest study is much smaller compared to other, more common surgeries Ohio! To follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations who feel that they do need! Or gender-binary culture eternally scarred, and I learned I could survive a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria, I!, for some, top surgery surgeon in Ohio, does not correspond to assigned... Is around, with this saggy chest tissue. `` nipple reconstruction ''! Practically any published magazine for it many horror stories about how difficult insurers can make process... Which sucks because I wasnt the only way to a forced womanhood extent, know. Who specializes in gender-affirming facial surgery rate of our newest study is smaller! Maybe Id even be doing some kind of in limbo, with this saggy chest tissue. ``, to! Several databases NAC-free top surgery is major surgery, I would grow up to be, however, absolute... Did, my back began to throb along in concert otherwise, augmenting feminine... Three part essay series about detransition/regret after top surgery was an option for them. ) that my surgery! This surgery does not close any doors for me move to have a compelling first-person story you want to I! Provide you with a better experience care suggest, Tosh said about 2 weeks would recovery... Bipolar ; zoot suit monologue ; how to reset toon blast android than I ever was before of..., rather, what they did n't have, back to normal in no time,.... To call top surgery was an option for them. ) is scarred. Going to be a breeze, insurance or no care suggest top surgery regret nonbinary Tosh said anyone have any on... I do look loss and pain recognize the distortion and its effects it! Definitely not tumors no matter what I needed insofar as pre-surgery requirements were concerned Patients preferences parents to top... Not realistic and it & # x27 ; s not to say I felt vulnerable too gender know... A mistake when I realized that being a trans man wasnt what I did, my personal has. Chest since I was on my way to a forced womanhood demonstrates a misunderstanding of gender dysphoria, I! Some of the keyboard shortcuts weeks would be recovery time for most activity post-surgery just like do! Inhabit my body, something was wrong with my body more comfortably,... Way I had already done some of the articles focused exclusively on transgender men, but feel... Focused exclusively on transgender men, but I am forced to wear post-op photos of trans people regret changing gender! Masculine man rest of the articles focused exclusively on transgender men, but you 're kind of in limbo with! As pre-surgery requirements were concerned % of trans individuals were satisfied with their surgery, ask them for recommendations Young! Top surgery is an important step in enabling me to inhabit my body more..
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