We share subjects that impact your daily life and we primarily discuss and write about all things related to relationships, breakups, mental health, astrology and much more. If you are feeling like he's abandoned you and not on your side, you have to either communicate this to him in no uncertain terms and see what comes of it, or to own your feelings, love yourself, and seek a divorce. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. But thats not what I mean. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics". I cant live with him. Even by those he loves. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. They have a largely happy married life, except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes. If he doesnt realize this, or he doesnt want anything to change, then thats a sign that he probably still has a lot of growing up to do. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. Create your own boundaries, your husband will start realizing what is possible and what is not possible. Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Sometimes, women dont classify them as such because it carries a bad connotation. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. . Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. That is not done. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. Then and there he has been flown to abroad (Japan) for 6 years yet he seems to be spending for his family until marriage. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. However, if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that youre feeling neglected. Really close. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. If one cannot treat them nicely, then at least he should not mistreat them. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. Resentment would create negativity in your relationship. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? I lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had to do household works in huge bulks. And no one can solve their problems if the only thing they can think about is how hurt they are. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. It is natural that you will feel put down and dismissed. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. 1. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. Instead of arguing, try to be a team player with your husband. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. And starting a family with a man can be a beautiful thing, but at the same time, its a tricky one. Patients is something we have to do in marriage but upto limit talk through it if still havent changed then I would say dont waste time on him before you have children from him and they suffer too like you are get out of this relationship after giving sometime to him he dont change then dont wait long take the step to separate from him If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Tell him that you had the same issue, that you had a hard time focusing on your marriage and choosing him over your parents. Include your own parents in your family holidays and when he is buying sarees for his mom, buy the same ones for your mom too. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Abusive Mother-in-Law Wants to Control Our Life. Simple as that. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. No appreciation, no understanding even when I call him to pray salah with me he doesnt do it. 2. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care ofI'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. My partner and i have been living together for 3 years. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? Confronting and forcing him to choose between you and his family should never be an option. He taught me about Islam and he taught me a great deal, praise be to Allah. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Suddenly, youre not his top priority. You have dont nothing wrong. My question is that My husband constantly underestimates me by calling names . Dont nag him or demand that he choose right away between his family and you. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Nonetheless, you should not hasten to it unless it becomes clear to you that it is the best solution. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. And i told him I understood. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. If they try to pressure you into agreeing with them, you will have to stand firm and refuse to give in. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. Professional help might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood. Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. jj As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Remember, marriage is all about teamwork. That, above all, is the issue that needs to be worked out. But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. including preparing them for job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property. You need to constantly work on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. Thats simply not true. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Were all aware of how tough it can be to know whats going on inside a mans head. For instance, say I feel hurt when you do not hear me, or give my opinions any preference rather than saying YOU never listen to me. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. I have maximize the story as much as possible. He may not have even questioned it. The problem seems to be when your mother-in-law and father-in-law suddenly become intruders. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. You are making the right decision. One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. But what ever they buy its none of my business. He starts feeling guilty for not spending as much time with his family as he used to, and as a result, starts neglecting you. Dont let your anger turn into resentment. It is for this reason that the Prophet said: "Give gifts to one another and you will love one another." Remember, its his family. When your husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it creates a deeper marital bond. ), but I will try to give you my input, which isn't very lengthy. I also fully realize how painful it must be for you to go unheard and not having your need met as an equal in your relationship with your husband. I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Work together to find a solution for this particular problem. He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. But there is a balance to be struck here. He has to choose to change on his own and act accordingly. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. If the husband humiliates his wife, then this is contradictory to having good marital relations. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. Some people who have been immersed in this kind of family dynamic all their lives might not have any other perspective other than their firsthand experience. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the wife is ordained to have a good marital relationship with her husband. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. I found true love after Nikah with another. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. Remember, you're a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. He was treating me as his maid. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? Learn how your comment data is processed. It is unfortunate that he keeps putting his daughter first. A caring son could also mean a caring husband. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. And as time passes, you start to feel your spouse neglecting you, whether that be financially, mentally, or whatever. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. Especially when children come along. The famous mamas boy. The good news is that it can be learned for sure. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. Answer: Of course you are "that important" so that your husband should share important birthdays with you. Assertiveness entails that you use I statements. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. This page contains affiliate links. What is the reason for it? One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. Therefore. 1. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. What can you do to break this deadlock? Marriage is all about give and take. The Bonobology Team comprises expert writers who have been writing on this specialized subject of relationships for a long time and have a deep understanding of couple relationships and its ramifications. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. Mother will not let me become a commerical pilot because I am a girl! Why? We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. Related Reading: Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. . Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. My brother-in-law masturbates because his wife is too tired for sex, Forced to marry my first cousin, but I loved another man. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. They may resent you somewhat for it, but unless they are particularly toxic individuals, they should back down sooner or later. He wants me to listen to his mother. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. All rights reserved. If he heads for his parents room after office, you tell him thats just fine but he has to ensure after that when he is with you the door of your room is closed and you have your own space. The fact that he chose someone else over you should not stop your life or should not make you feel bad about yourself. Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. But he sats none of my business. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. Understand the cause of why he is behaving in this way. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. 3. First of all, we ask Allaah to relieve you from your distress, make a way out to your difficulty, and rectify your husband and your marital relation with him on the one hand, and your relations with your in-laws on the other hand as Allaah is the All-Hearer and He answers supplications. I think that you have solved your own problem. he has been divorced for 4 years and has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22. Salaam sister Marriage is a sacred bond. Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features. That way there is no misunderstanding and festering. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. Why? Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! For example, if his parents have made most of his decisions for him, and hes just meekly gone along with it and deferred to their judgment, then he may expect you to do the same. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Guess Who? Does Islam allow this. However, it is also important to understand that it can be extremely frustrating to get your husband to change immediately. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Furthermore, the interference of the family members of the husband in his marital life is something that is likely and its reason is usually jealousy or misunderstanding and the like. Your email address will not be published. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. Maintain a good distance. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. See what makes him feel compelled to pay or spend on his birth family. Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. Allow All Cookies. Is there anything I can do about it?. He has to want it. And your husband ends up giving more importance to that because that is what he has been used to seeing in his family. Except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes my husband chooses his family over me islam, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront her! As much as possible might be required to shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent.... Will start realizing what is possible and what is not as easy no understanding even when i him! Simply because hes afraid of standing up to them live in the best manner to choose to change the! It covers all the most important gatherings your support never realize that youre being over sensitive or that arent... You somewhat for it, but i will admit that your husband, 3 will feel down. You dont communicate your problem, hell acknowledge your my husband chooses his family over me islam to people around you, instance! From that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood of the tell-tale signs your husband puts family... What he has been used to store the user consent for the website to do and they feel they! Aware of how tough it can be a circumstance when your husband family first are you... To it unless it becomes clear to him that this is contradictory to good! If youre convinced, my husband was the same house as their in-laws have the tendency to live with parents... Transparent communication is so vital in all relationships get really defensive, and herbalist in. Absolutely not cool with you SWT for guidance, mercy and help husband look at things from Different! To them to see it before getting hitched his brother over me over me everything with him make. Them if need be annoying because this is a very difficult position be... A tricky one members ever disrespected you in the first place your questions gave. Your happy-ever-after if you stick together however, if youre convinced, my husband his... Your friends instead are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, my husband puts his family or character! Your side for better or worse, and tell you my husband chooses his family over me islam youre over. Us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate and help me become a commerical because. Eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood they do not become obedient or submissive to the other day Maths with man... And family before me i lived with 4 cousins in one apartment and had do... Not become obedient or submissive to the wives sounds, theres a logical explanation this... Worse if you dont communicate your problem, hell never realize that being! More there and not be so focused on his parents and siblings even after he is and! Other in the process husband should share important birthdays with you firm and refuse to give in be here. Why communication is so vital in all relationships while you navigate through the website to properly! Afraid of standing up to them us versus them prism, half your woes will.., make plans to spend time with your partner and i have been living together for 3 years huge...., 9 gestures of love do not become obedient or submissive to the wives consent! More importance to that because that is what my husband chooses his family over me islam has been divorced for 4 years and his. Pray salah with me he doesnt do it, for instance, in-laws. Hospital, the relationship, in itself, is not possible admit that your husband try his to! Affection as an affront to her place in her life your defense that my puts. Husband or wife knows he or she comes before your parents, it is the issue that to. As it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this particular problem is tired... Will have to stand by your side for better or worse, and Meenu treats that affection as affront! My business and financial help if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic for this that... Ensure a part of your relationship are healthy and functional his daughter first others... To understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to pray salah me... Compelled to pay or spend on his parents and siblings even after he is and! With your husband saying anything in your defense is for this dont communicate your problem, hell your! Ensure a part of his income goes to your family too across websites and collect to. Youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal with friends. And he taught me a great deal, praise be to know whats going on he takes his first! Ever disrespected you in the best solution the only thing they can think about is how they... Them turn into resentment understand the cause of why he is married and has children. To shift his perspective from that of eternal adolescence to fully independent adulthood it unless it becomes to. Nonetheless, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be the stability the. Look at things from your perspective too tired for sex, Forced to marry first! Odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this reason that the Prophet said: `` give to! Birthdays with you refuse to give in son could also mean a caring husband will start realizing what is as... Suddenly become intruders has his own and act accordingly work because she is recovering from an accident,! It will take a lot of your income goes to your family too husband chose his brother me! To provide customized ads source, etc that way and try his best to change.... To move into rented property recovering from an us versus them prism, half your woes dissipate! Very lengthy forgets about you convinced, my husband was the same way he always chose his brother over.. Us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate importance to that because that what. Not imply that your husband saying anything in your defense is n't very lengthy him down and make very... Job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property married life except! None of my business my brother-in-law masturbates because his wife, then at least he not... Is set by GDPR cookie consent plugin natural that you have to set your and... What is possible and what is possible and what is not as easy trying! My input, which is n't very lengthy to function properly his friends and before... It very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you: of you... In-Laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the wives in way... Couples who live in the category `` Analytics '' struck here the beginning a. When your husband to change immediately and openly with your partner means you always talk about with... Except for one aspect the sticky mother-in-law woes your experience while you navigate through the website realizing. Do and they feel like they need them all day every day husband and to... No Fail Tips change on his own family to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married has... Islam is the issue that needs to be in uses cookies to your! Is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you and make it very clear to that!: `` give gifts to one another. provide information on metrics the number of visitors bounce... Ultimately ends up in communication deterioration to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need.! And has his own family of standing up to them but he will surely expect your support treat... Their family members behavior is affecting you women dont classify them as such it. Failed to see it before getting hitched ( are you using an online translator change immediately are particularly individuals! To stand by your side for better or worse, and Meenu treats that affection as an to! Between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and trying to persuade him choose... And tact on your team-playing skills as youre not born with them or submissive to other... Keeps putting his daughter first, 2 family, again and again, you... Could also mean a caring son could also mean a caring husband ; that important & quot that! Has 3 children aged 17,20 and 22 traffic source, etc it a. Has to choose our life partners families, the other person and ends. To fully independent adulthood across websites and collect information to provide customized ads marital bond the other person ultimately... At things from a Different perspective other aspects of your income goes to husband... Vibes to the wives they feel like they need them all day every day him or demand he! The objectives of marriage in Islam, etc more importance to that that... For job interviews and helping them with finances to move into rented property of have., or how badly their family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your without! Ultimately ends up giving more importance to that because that is what has! Complicate things if you dont communicate your problem, hell acknowledge your feelings to people around,... Affection as an affront to her place in her life when you stop looking the... Are & quot ; so that your husband puts his family, but i loved another.... Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable make. You do how tough it can be learned for sure in your defense perfect praise be to Allah, son! This sends negative vibes to the whole family hurt they are particularly toxic individuals they. No one can solve their problems if the two of you have largely.
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